My healing journey was mostly painful and challenging with small breakthroughs sprinkled throughout. I was extremely persistent and determined to heal. It seemed like I would do everything right: the therapy, the coaching, the journaling. I read the books, listened to the speakers, tried to eat well, and exercised. I would have what would seem to be these breakthroughs. I would think I was really over a certain behavior and/or pattern in my life. No matter how well things were going at some point I would self-sabotage and lose it all again. It was devastating each time. After about ten years of really trying to live a spiritual life despite my issues (having prepped for this journey for a good 4-5 year prior), I did seriously think something was wrong with me; I couldn’t “life.” I was defective. I thought about killing myself daily for about eight months. I had tried it four times before, but those seemed more like episodes during an alcohol-induced state, and not the real desire of my heart. This time it was a daily contemplation while sober and doing what many have termed “the work.” I was really trying. It was so painful to wake up every day. It was a struggle to get out of bed. I really don’t know how I managed to do it; to show up and do “the stuff required of me” when I was pretty sure I would be giving up – soon – for good this time.
As an alternative to suicide, I thought towards the end of that eight months about giving up on my dreams and goals. Having emersed myself in tranformational success principles prior, I had learned a goal isn’t a goal unless you tell others and they laugh. It must be so big and seem so impossible, the only way you can achieve it is by a Divine Intelligence. So the goal I was working on at the time was big and to the person I was when I had set the goal, impossible and well above-average. I thought: well I could live an average or below average life, be an average or below average person, have an average or below average job, and take my medicine (alcohol) any time I needed it without having to worry about losing anything – because I wouldn’t really have anything. I realized that this thought was more depressing than the thought of killing myself.
About nine months after that I had an incident, related to alcohol, that put the then-big goal I was working hard on, in jeopardy. It hit me like a ton of bricks on my forehead. I thought: this is it. I could either just give up now and live the below average life I had previously pondered, saying goodbye to one of the biggest opportunities I had ever had at that point in my life and basically giving up, or I could choose Life. And by choosing Life I knew I would have to really choose it, all or nothing. I did generally give 100% to the outside goals I had set in the past, but I had never truly chosen LIFE; I had never truly chosen ME. I needed to commit 100% living a Life deserving of my Highest Self. I then had the thought that if I was going to live, as in be truly present each day, my life needed to matter. I needed to have purpose and meaning. The kind of purpose and meaning that comes from deep inside me and rings a bell of Truth so loud, no one else can hear it because it is meant solely for me.
About three months after that I looked around and thought: I trust myself. I sat there for a minute repeating that and letting it sink in. I took a deep breath and repeated it again. That was the first time I had ever thought those words and I could feel the truth of those words to my core. I then realized I wasn’t out to get me anymore. I was here to live, and me being the only Life available to do this, I had started to care about myself. I had started to see myself as worthy of life. That day I realized at some point within the last three months I had decided I am a valuable person worth taking care of and it was up to ME to take care of Me. Three months prior to that, when I had chosen to commit to life 100%, I now see I had chosen to commit myself 100% to Me.
It seems at that point, the last fifteen years of books, podcasts, journaling, crying, affirmations, shadow work, meditating, tapping, rebirthing, crystal healing, etc. just kind of came together. I used to fall asleep to the words of Louise Hay years ago. I would listen to Jim Rohn and Tony Robbins over and over. Now they were just in me, apart of me.
And then the real work began 🙂 but because I had a vast foundation of working on myself through many modalities, it kind of just took off and I went deeper and deeper into my pain, even working on generational trauma and past-life stuff.
My biggest break-through, where I feel I truly awakened was in May 2020. I had broken my ankle and it was the pandemic. I felt awful. I remember feeling a lot of anger that month. Just feeling angry for no reason and praying for relief. I hear the voice of God, “Seek ye first the kingdom of God.” I kept hearing it inside. Soon after that I did it. Having a broken ankle helped. I was in a non-weight bearing cast so I couldn’t jump out of bed and run out of the door like I used to do. I couldn’t jump at all!! LOL. So when I woke up, I would read a daily lesson from A Course in Miracles and do the exercise of the day, which was usually a meditation with the particular lesson of the day. Before I checked my phone, before I did anything, I sought the “Kingdom of God.” And I found it.
Today: I am whole. I am complete. I am sober. I am valuable. I am worthy. I am healed. I daily, and usually moment to moment, stay in awareness of my thoughts and try to vibrate with my highest self. I am fully present, even to the sad, the hard, and the challenging. I am present when I am angry and it give me permission to express it in a healthy way if possible, and if not possible, to remove myself from the situation to further sit with it and listen for the messages my anger is trying to tell me and to do more work around it. I cry when I am moved to cry; I laugh when I am moved to laugh. I am here for it all.
I know that if I can get through the pain to the freedom, peace, the feeling of wholeness within, which I mostly feel today, anyone can. While being a free, independent healed person is very attractive, more importantly, I believe we are being called to heal our wounds and traumas and pain individually, to affect the world collectively in a positive way.
I believe the individual of healing of each person’s pain will cause the World to shift to a higher frequency and will have the effect of clearing out the World’s pain. I can see it. And it is beautiful. This is a call to commit to healing your pain.
Please join me on this healing journey.
Love & Light. Renee Lewis Love
SWL 